If I die before I wake

I laid awake thinking of what the future holds-- and more terrifyingly, what the future doesn't hold. I marvelled at how my academic smarts slumped from its initial state and at how I cannot seem, no matter how hard I try, to find any evidence which stands witness to any form of intelligence I once thought I possessed.

I thought long and hard, about whether everything would change. Ambition and aspiration slipping from me as I lay there, numbed by my own mediocrity. All I want, is to be able to close my eyes tonight and go to sleep not feeling terrified or scared out of my wits about what kind of future awaits. And strangely, but not surprisingly, my thoughts turn to the bottle of codeine which I have been relying on to help calm my nerves at night these days. Wouldn't it be nice if I could just drink it all and resolve everything? Wouldn't it be tragic (a fresh burst of energy and hope at my sadism overwhelm me at that instant) if I died before I turn 21? Hahahaha.

But thoughts are just thoughts. And I am back at square one. Scared, depressed, and not really wanting to see tomorrow.